What Hurts the Most

Looking at her wrinkled hands, I traced the worn purple capillaries pressing against the crumpled exterior. Reaching forth to hold the hand that had held mine since I was a clueless toddler, i struggled desperately before I spoke about Jesus. In a manner befitting the lightning stricken noon day sky, the overcast mood was broken by a flash of white. "Jesus" was the spark from the match that could ignite explosive attention from my grandmother.

"You know I love you alot and that I want the best for you, why not come to Jesus with me?"

Her fingers fiddled as her head drooped into abysmal silence and the pent up quiet released itself in sad intonations known only to her and myself. It was the song of inordinate stares and it draped itself with the shadows of an aged past. Within the bespectacled lady, laid an ocean more vast than my youth could yet imagine and her silence drew from me more love for her. Yet it pricked.

"Your grandfather is there already and so are my parents. Everyone I love is on the other side, and when I die, I must go and be with them. If you believe in Jesus, I might never see you again."

With that, the hands that held mine pushed herself up and walked off to the toilet to wash some clothing. It was a pretext, because I knew she was crying. I stood up, looked at the lightning stricken sky again and sighed.


As i heard this song (by Rascal Flatts, lyrics below), this incident came back to my mind.

What Hurts The Most lyrics

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don’t bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I’m not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I’m ok
But that’s not what gets me

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was tryin’ to do

It’s hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I’m doin’ It
It’s hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I’m alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin’ with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

What hurts the most
Is being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you walk away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That’s what I was trying to do